The Ties That Bind
by alpinecanoe
Summary: A collection of "missing" scenes from "What Katy Did" by Susan Coolidge.
1. Stories and Secrets

STORIES AND SECRETS

It was a warm summer afternoon, the type that made hours pass pleasantly in a slow, almost rhythmic fog. Katy sat in her favorite place in the house, by Helen's bedside, as close to her cousin as she could possibly get.

Normally the two of them could talk for hours on end, but today Katy seemed distant, as if she was thinking over something puzzling. They sat quietly for a few moments before Cousin Helen reached towards her end table. "Shall we read something today?"

"No-o …" Katy said slowly.

Cousin Helen laughed a little, patting her cheek. "Is something the matter, my pet? You look lost in thought."

Katy spoke slowly. "Yesterday Papa told me a bit … about Alex." She looked up beseechingly. "I hope you don't mind."

"I don't," Cousin Helen said, smiling. "It is good that you know. Had he not told you, I would have shared the story with you myself."

"Papa … he said that you ended the engagement because you didn't want Alex to spend his life caring for you," Katy told her.

"Yes, that is true," Cousin Helen said quietly. That sat in silence for a few moments, and then she laughed. "Why, Katy, you look so grave and thoughtful!"

"I just don't know how you could have done it, Cousin Helen!" Katy burst out. "To have given up all that! And I don't see why you couldn't have married him, anyway." Katy stopped suddenly, looking mortified. "No – I'm sorry, I shouldn't be prying."

Cousin Helen laughed lightly. "It's perfectly alright. I'm happy to talk about it with you." Then she sighed, and gave Katy an appraising look. "Well, Katy, I have a mind to tell you something else, because I think you are old enough to hear it." Katy nodded.

When Helen spoke again, she seemed to choose her words carefully. "Yes … that was one reason that I broke the engagement. But there was another reason, equally important: I felt my illness made me unfit to be a wife."

Katy looked at her in puzzlement. "But Cousin Helen … you could have a housekeeper do the cooking and cleaning, couldn't you?"

Cousin Helen laughed again. "Yes. But you misunderstand me, Katy – what I mean to say is that I feared my poor health would make me incapable of … bearing children."

Katy felt a flush spread over her cheeks. This was a subject she had never discussed with anyone, and the little she knew about it was from the snippets she had heard whispered by giggling older classmates. But Cousin Helen looked at her frankly, without a trace of unease. How different she was from most grown-ups! Surely Aunt Izzie would never dream of mentioning such a matter.

Katy was dying with curiosity, but couldn't seem to form the words for a question. There was a long pause, then Cousin Helen laughed easily, patting Katy's hand. "I think I've embarrassed you, poor darling. I only told you because I try to answer your questions frankly. But never mind, my pet, let's talk about something else."

"No!" Katy said quickly. "I'm glad you told me." She paused to collect her thoughts, as Helen's quick brown eyes watched her face. "Do you miss not having children?" Katy finally asked, very shyly.

"Yes," Cousin Helen said quietly, turning serious again. "I do. But it makes me doubly glad for the company of children like Elsie and little Helen, and for my friendship with bigger girls like you, Katy."

Katy squeezed her hand. "And … do you still love Alex?"

Cousin Helen sighed. "No, not now. I loved him quite passionately before my accident. Even after I ended the engagement, I continued to love him for awhile. But now it has been many years since, and I am happy to say that I truly think of him as a brother."

"That must have been terribly difficult," said Katy wonderingly.

"Yes, it was. But I'll tell you something, Katy. Those first few months after my accident, I was so ill and in so much pain that they were sure I would die. Those were the darkest days of my life, and I am glad I do not remember too much of them. Finally, praise God, I recovered enough to think clearly, and to realize that Alex had been watching over me for weeks and weeks."

"When I awoke from my stupor, I saw a changed man by my bedside. He was a young man grown old overnight." Helen swallowed. "He took my hand, and told me that we were to get married anyway, that he would never leave me. But it was the horrible, hollow look in his eyes that made up my mind. They were the eyes of a man whose spirit had been broken by the things he had seen."

"At that moment, I realized with crystal clarity, that the best gift you can give to someone you truly love is the opportunity to be happy. I realized that if I married him, I would bind him irrevocably to my limited life. If he were married to me, he would be forever bound to those dark days which even then, I instinctively knew would return."

" That's why I feel only joy when I see him walking about with his wife and their beautiful little girl. If I can't have that life, then I thank God that such a good and kind man can have it instead." Cousin Helen wiped the tears from her eyes and smiled at Katy, who sat a little dumbstruck.

"I see why Papa said he wanted me to take pattern after you," she said finally.

Cousin Helen laughed. "Your papa is a kind man, to speak so well of me." She stroked Katy's cheek. "You are going to turn into a fine young woman, darling. I can see it already."

Katy kissed her cousin, and began gathering her things about the room to leave, as she could see the sun setting through the window, its golden light illuminating her cousin's suddenly tired face.

"Before you leave, Katy, I have one more thing I should mention," said Cousin Helen.

Katy knelt by her bedside. "What is it?"

Helen looked pale, but managed a mischievous smile. "Make sure that you don't let on to Aunt Izzie that I talked with you about babies."

"Don't worry," Katy assured her, giggling. "I'll keep it secret for ever and ever."

And Katy did.

_Author's note: Please review, I love your comments! :)_

_Also, I'll note that I don't necessarily agree with Helen's views about illness/disability and marriage – I'm just expanding on her rationale from the book. Her opinions are a bit shocking today, but hey, those were the Victorian times!_


	2. Waiting For Morning

It was three days after Cousin Helen had come to visit. But when Katy bounded downstairs for breakfast, she was struck to see her father sitting at the kitchen table, looking unusually grave.

"What's wrong, Papa?"

He looked up in surprise, and gave a weary sigh. "Katy, I'm afraid I have bad news. Cousin Helen had a sharp attack last night. The doctor came and has stayed with her all night. It is very serious this time, love."

Katy felt as if her lungs had collapsed. She clutched her father's arm. "Can I see her? Please?"

"You may, but only for a short while, and if she is sleeping then you must be absolutely silent."

Together they went up the stairs, then Papa silently opened the door and ushered Katy inside.

Helen's room, usually filled with sunshine and her bright, musical voice, was now dark and silent. Her couch was empty, the shades were drawn, and strange phials and medical instruments cluttered the end tables. Her nurse slumped in a chair by the window, dozing in the half-darkness, and a doctor sat by the side of the bed. The atmosphere of the room was so bleak that Katy stood trembling in the doorway, afraid to come closer.

"She's awake, child," the doctor said. "You can come see her now." Nodding at Katy, he slipped quietly out the door.

"Katy's here?" a thin voice amidst the bedsheets spoke. It was but a ghost of its vibrant original, but Katy recognized it at once and was spurred into motion. With a small cry, she ran across the room and tumbled into her cousin's arms.

They exchanged a long embrace. Katy buried her face into Helen's neck, breathing in her familiar scent of jasmine and honey, crying with relief and despair.

When Katy pulled away, she saw Helen had tears in her eyes as well. "I'm so happy to see you, darling," she whispered.

Illness had not robbed Helen of her beauty, but it had made an undeniable mark. Her face was as white as the bedsheets, and she was painfully thin – narrow shoulders, tiny wrists, delicate fingers curling weakly around the quilt. She had an ethereal, fragile quality, as if the slightest breeze would shatter her like a china doll, or carry her away in the wind.

As if to prevent such an event, Katy clutched Helen's hands, her voice quavering. "Cousin Helen … you _are _going to get well, aren't you?"

"Oh, love. That is up to God. I trust in Him."

"There is still hope, then!"

Cousin Helen sighed. "I … I think you must prepare yourself, darling."

At these words, Katy was consumed by a blind panic. "You can't go!" she cried. "I won't let you! Oh, it is too, too cruel!" And leaning her head onto Helen's lap, she burst into passionate sobs.

Helen was not the type to scold or remonstrate, so she only stroked her cousin's hair silently, letting her hot tears collect onto her dress. Although she said nothing, in those few minutes the pair seemed to grow closer than ever, and after a long while Katy felt a strange sort of peace surround her shattered heart.

When Katy's sobs quieted, Helen spoke again. Her voice was unusually weary. "Katy, you musn't cry so – it is a blessing, you see? I am so very tired now. I am looking forward to a long rest."

Katy sat thinking for a long moment, wiping her eyes on her dress. "Are you afraid?" she finally whispered.

"No," Helen said slowly, thoughtfully. "But I'm sad. I'm sad for the people I'm leaving. I'm sad I won't get to see you grow up. You're going to make a fine young woman, Katy." Helen's thin fingers traced Katy's face, as if to memorize her features.

But before Katy could respond, Helen's small frame was wracked by a sudden fit of coughing. It was a harsh, dry, horrible sound, so painful that Katy recoiled in horror. Helen grabbed a handkerchief from the nightstand and pressed it to her mouth, as if to stifle the sound.

The door opened, and the doctor flew to her side. After a few long moments, Helen caught her breath. But when she pulled the handkerchief away, Katy saw it was covered with blood.

For the first time, Helen looked fearful. "My dear doctor … I – I can't …" – unable to continue, she lay back onto the pillow, her breathing rapid and shallow.

The doctor took Helen's hand. "I'm going to let some more blood, child. Just once more."

Katy heard Helen draw in a sharp breath, although her face remained calm. Even amidst her exhaustion, she turned with surprising alertness to look at Katy. With a deliberate casualness, she said, "Katy, why don't you run downstairs? You – you can see me again this afternoon."

The doctor sat down by the bedside and rolled up Helen's sleeve, picking up a knife and a small pot from the nightstand. Katy's stomach lurched and she stood dumbly, torn between a desire to run and a desire to stay by Helen's side.

"Katy." Helen spoke urgently, startling Katy out of her stupor. Her eyes remained as kind as ever, but her tone was very firm. "Kiss me, darling. Good. Now, run downstairs to your papa."

Katy turned and fled, nearly tumbling down the stairs in her haste. Reaching the bottom, she sat down on the last step and slumped against the wall, gasping with emotion. Upstairs she could hear nothing but silence.

A long while later, Papa rounded the corner and was startled by the sight of his eldest child sitting forlornly on the steps with red eyes and quivering lips.

"Ah, Katy. It is a very hard thing." He sat down beside her, and she curled up against his shoulder.

"She can't go," Katy said quietly, sniffling. "I love her, Papa. I need her." She began to cry again. "It's not fair that someone so _good _has to be taken away."

Papa sighed. "I love Cousin Helen as much as you do, Katy. But nothing hurts me more than seeing that poor child suffer. So perhaps – perhaps it is the kindest thing for …" He swallowed, unable to finish, and took a few moments to regain his composure. "She's half-angel already, Katy. Helen was never ours to keep."

They heard footsteps on the stairs, and stood up to meet the doctor.

"Any news, doctor?" Papa asked.

"I gave her ether to help with the pain."

"How much longer does she have?"

The doctor looked grave. "I don't believe much longer. A week, perhaps. Soon the poor lamb will be with the angels, praise God." He tipped his hat and left.

It was evening when Katy crept back into Helen's room, which was now empty and peaceful in the moonlight. Helen lay very still and quiet. Katy wondered whether she was asleep, but when she shut the door behind her, Helen opened her eyes and motioned Katy over.

"Sweet child," she murmured, sighing in contentment as Katy curled up onto the bedside next to her. "Oh, I feel better already, now that you are here."

Katy glowed. "Really, truly?"

"Really, truly." Helen's laugh sounded like Christmas bells.

"Then you musn't ask me to leave you again," Katy said. She spoke petulantly, but her voice quavered despite herself. "I want to spend as much time with you as I can."

Helen sighed, turning serious. "I suppose I spoke too hastily today. I'm sorry if I upset you, my pet. I just … well … I don't want you to be frightened, seeing me …"

"I'm not frightened. And I'm not going to leave you again."

Helen smiled. "All right, then."

"Can I sleep here tonight?"

"Yes. But I'm afraid I will wake you with my coughing."

Katy was already creeping under the quilt. "I don't mind."

They talked quietly for a few more minutes, but Katy, exhausted from the drama of the afternoon, fell quickly asleep.

Helen did not sleep. In the privacy of the night, she allowed a deep weariness to settle over her. She watched the little face resting on her pillow, peaceful and serene in the moonlight except for a stubborn curve of the lip. She tried to imagine what Katy would look like ten years hence.

Even in slumber, Katy's hand curled possessively around her cousin's. It was midnight when Helen gently disengaged her hand from the little sleeper. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm sorry to leave you." With that, she gently kissed her cousin's forehead, and lay back down on her pillow to wait the long hours until morning.


End file.
